The Beautiful Truth of Motherhood

January 30, 2020

This transition isn’t easy for me either, my tiny star, it’s hard to think of sharing myself with another baby, the thought of you no longer being my one and only sidekick, imagining what our life will look like is overwhelming some days.
I am so happy to be giving you a sibling and us another child.
We wanted this, we planned this. We wanted another spring baby. I love hibernating with Mother Nature, the thought of growing a baby in sync with Her. Each of us breathing life into something new, and by spring, simply bursting at the seams, ready to birth the next. Sweet synchronicity, something to me that seems so natural and perfect.
I am overjoyed, my little star, I feel like I am constantly brimming over with love and gratitude for you both, but it also makes me so deeply sad to think of you no longer being the baby.
I am grieving the loss of it being just us already, trying to soak up every second we get together, trying to have patients while working through toddlerhood with you, trying to keep up with your busy little body- it seems as you grow more agile I grow more cumbersome and big.
The space on my lap is shrinking at a rapid pace, nursing you is becoming more challenging both physically and mentally but still I push through.
Anything for you, my tiny star, anything to keep you safe and nourished.
I stress about not being able to give you everything I have been giving you. I worry about how I will fit this next baby into our routine, how will I love it as much as I love you, how I will give you both my all.
I feel guilt for this new one too, I don’t know how I will be able to shower it with the attention I showered you with, as my life will now be split. I won’t be able to just sit all day and nurse and snuggle it, I won’t be able to gaze at it for uninterrupted hours on end, as I will also want to gaze at you.
However will I not miss a second of either of your lives? How will I ever be enough? How will I do it?

I will though. I will do it. I will be enough. I will soak up every second and bask in each and every moment. I will be present and I will find a new normal, a new routine.
My heart will not be split, it will just double. My attention will learn to maximize itself, somehow keeping one eye on each of you. I will double, I, myself, will become double the mother.
I can already feel the connection between you and your baby sibling, I can feel them stirring in me when you giggle, or while you pat my tummy while you nurse, I can feel you feel them when you insist on kissing my bellybutton, a kind reminder that you two will share a bond unlike any other.
I know this, I know all of this, and I know it will all be incredibly magical and beautiful, and it will be exactly as it’s supposed to, but the weight of it all some days has me dragging my feet.
But, I will prevail and I will rise because that is what we, as mothers, do.

The conflict is real.
The weight is real.
But, the love is the realest



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